she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
