I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
where does the pee come out of this thing
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
