I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
