I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He? As in you personified your dick?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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