I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
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