So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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