so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize