If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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