Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
