This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
