Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
