I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
