I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
