No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
