New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
