Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
