A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
