jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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