I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
