don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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