Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
