My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
