Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
