I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
