"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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