Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
