Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
