dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
