Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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