i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
