she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize