My sheets look like a crime scene.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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