Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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