I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
