I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
