i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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