no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just found puke in my bra..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
