her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
