my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
