how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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