We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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