You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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