Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
