My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize