I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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