Plan B is the new Plan A
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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