I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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