remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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