i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
