If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
