I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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