i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i believe in u and ur pee
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