A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
