Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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