I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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