Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
this boner is exhausting
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
