A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
