I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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