well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
