So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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