I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
