Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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